Reasons I'm in Therapy #297

As the story goes, When I was 15 or 16 (I don't remember, I've tried to block out this memory), I was the lead in some church roadshow play. And I rocked. I was one badASS Fairy Godmother.
Opposite me was this creepy jerk face dick wad and to put it lightly, I hated his guts.
Sounds like I still do.
I thought it would be a good idea to give the director a bouquet of beautiful roses after the show. At the end of the play after everyone cheered me on, ahem, I mean the cast of course...
I ran backstage to get the flowers and walked over to the mic to bring her up on stage to thank her for her hard work, when all of a sudden A*hole-boy grabs the flowers out of my hands and MAKES A SPEECH that sounds a little like:
"I just wanted to thank you for everything, so I got you these flowers".

WTF?!? OH NO YOU DIDN'T YOU PUNKASS!!

And I'm still bitter about it. But didn't actually remember this story until last night when I get a text from my mom:

Mom: Hey who was the boy lead when you were in the roadshow?

Me: That asshole Kaleb.

Mom: LOL oh yeah, how could I forget...

Me: He ruined my life!

Mom: Your whole life?

Me: Oh yeah. That thunder stealin' bastard can rot in hell with Beelzebub.

Mom: Took all the credit...bastard!

Me: Mom I don't want to talk about it right now! ;)

Mom: Your father and I always wanted you to marry him and have wild sex.

Me: F U . Gross!

* * SUPER DEAL * *

I don't know if any of you people have the incredible urge to purchase THE MOST AMAZING flat-iron on the planet - but I saw my most superest-favorite brand at Costco in Sandy today for a whopping $60. I was so excited to see this I think I peed a little!

It is the CHI - and it is the ONLY kind I will use on my knappy, unruly, frizzy and impossible hair...hence - why I look so fabulous all the time. ITS ALL IN THE HAIR TOOLS PEOPLE.

I would have gotten one but I have two already. Yeah, it's THAT good!

Let me reiterate how slammin of a deal this is:

I cant get this good of a deal as a licensed cosmetologist, at the beauty supply.

Um...Yeah. They retail for about $120 - $180. I've even seen them for about $200.

60 Dollars. Sixty. $60. SIX ZERO. DID YOU HEAR ME?

Spend the money. They last FOREVER. Your hair will love you. I ain't shittin ya.

Sunday Afternoon Picnic...in the rain

f word

you know what, this is like the fifth time i have sat down to blog and this damn thing deletes everything i typed and all the stupid pictures i loaded.
angry you ask? NO never! I dont even care if i spell anything wrong because i am not checking it!!! and it will probably take me a while to get out of my bitter mood and blog again. so lets blame the internet. bastards!

I Have Lip Issues

While tidying up a bit around mi casa, I ran into (this many) 'Lip Shit' 's.
Mind you, this does not include how many are hiding under the seat in my vehicle, how many are in my desk at work, or pockets in pants and other places I tend to store them - nor does it include my lipstick collection.

Some may call this an obsession, a waste of money, think it's funny, or even envy me...
Some may even conclude that 'It's just because I'm a woman'.

I think that my luscious lips will never be dry or chapped while I'm in charge!!
...Unless I lose these in a terrible fire or natural disaster, which is doubtful.

Waiting Room Etiquette

Is your kid seriously THROWING toys across the waiting room while your just sitting there?
And just dumped a cup of water in the middle of the floor.
And touched every single cookie on the plate after wiping his snotty nose with his hand.
And mixed up a concoction of creamer, sugar and water then leave it there for me to clean up.

Did you seriously just grab a HANDFUL of mints out of the candy dish?
And then you seriously did it again on the way out.

So, when you walk in and just sit down without checking in with the front desk, I don't think you really have grounds to be mad at ME for YOU sitting there 'forever' without saying anything as to WHY YOU ARE HERE. Seriously?

Did you seriously just ask for a cookie?
'Where's the cookies? You used to have cookies' YOUR 50! Go buy a cookie!

Did you seriously just clean out your purse and leave all of your garbage on the table beside you?

Your seriously asking if we can 'turn the TV to something less boring - like The View?'

Note to Self: Shave Balls

I just LOVE it when I run into this kind of stuff.
Thank GOD for Gillette because without this kind of genius advertising, I might never know how to properly shave my junk. If I had junk, I mean.
They're so sexist though, What if I needed tips on how to properly shave MY lady parts.
It's just not fair. Dudes get all the fun stuff.

RE: Popcorn

It has now been brought to my attention that the previous post about 'Popcorn and Cell Phones' is fake.

I have two comments...

(1) I don't have a strong enough word for (HATE), when I say that I HATE IT when people burst my bubble or prove me wrong. It's right up there with people not using a blinker right before slamming on their brakes, and someone talking to someone else in the background while I'm on the phone with them.

(2) This Internet thing may have been around a while - but I haven't exactly spent a mass amount of time sorting through stupid emails all day and then trying to figure out if they are in fact real or not.

With that being said, I don't really care if its real or not. I'd rather continue thinking that cell phone usage will one day fry my brain.

Stupid Snopes.

.:.:.pOpCoRn.:.:.

All I have to say is: HOLY SHIT.



Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere - News videos hot off the press.

Bittersweet and Busy Day!

Today is my 2-year anniversary at work, and its pretty cool to think that they put up with me for that long! Its been a great company to work for!

It has also been two years since we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my Gramma Joyce.
I cant help but getting choked up thinking about her, and I rejoice in the thought that she is in a much better place. But I terribly miss her.

My cousin, Nicki, recently had a darling baby girl, and she made a comment about how lucky little Zoey was that she got to bunk with Gramma before she came to this earth.

I just hope Gramma is up there preparing my pseudo-children for me! I'd like to think she is singing them the same lullaby songs as she did with me, telling them stories, preparing them to be strong spirits and teaching them how to play Cribbage - because I never had the patience for it.

ALSO, today is my brother Cameron's High School Graduation!! I am so proud of him! Although he has been out of school since January, and working hard full-time - almost making more money that I do... I'm glad he got to graduate early like I did! I LOVE YOU BRUDDER!

Rainy Day Activity

My ex: used to wear panties.
I am listening to: the rain wash my car.
Maybe I should: shower?
I love: spoons.
My best friend is: packing. I offered not to help, because I wouldnt be of any.
I don't understand: some people's inability to share the road.
I have no respect for: people who dont have any.
I hate: the person I am when I am irritable and angry.
The meaning of my screen name is: my name, backwards.
Love is: undecided.
Somewhere, someone is: winning the lottery.
I will always: have a loud voice.
Forever seems like: a ridiculously long time.
I never want to lose: a game of solitaire.
My mobile phone is: a necessary evil.
When I wake up in the morning: I want to go back to bed.
I get annoyed at: stupidity and loud noises.
Parties are: not cool unless I'm there.
My pets are: dead.
Cuddling is: my favorite.
Today I: cut my hair.
I really wish I could: fly.
I'm afraid of: people with bad teeth.
I think: too much.

thanks aje.

Patience Is No Virtue - It's a PAIN IN THE ASS.

If you remember back to my post from my Easter Vacation in Ventura, specifically the part where I vowed that I could kill anyone who tried to purchase a certain ring...
Well good news, I didn't have to kill anyone AND I GOT MY RING!!!!
Talk about a Double Whammy!

As the story goes, I found this ring at an antique shop in Summerland California, on the way to Santa Barbara. I saw it and immediately knew it was mine and that I had to do everything in my power to get it. When I put it on, I instantly felt like I was in another world or time dimension. I found myself staring at this ring for what felt like hours, completely unable to remove my eyes from it. Everything went quiet and I was completely mesmerized. It was breathtaking!
I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave the store to wipe the tears from my eyes and catch my breath. (Now that I think about it, what I should have done was clench my fist and run like hell.) ha ha.

The price tag was etched into my head for a month:
14k White Gold Blue Topaz $900

While in the store, the clerk could obviously see the attachment I had to the ring and said that she would contact the dealer to see if she would go any lower on the price...

$725!?! THAT'S FANTASTIC!! ...However, not only did I have the inability to rustle up $900 - I still didn't have $725... not even an available balance on a credit card.

For the next month I thought of nothing else but this ring.
I saved all my monies and just knew that it would still be there waiting for me.

The EXACT amount that I saved and a month later I called the shop to describe the ring to the woman on the phone and sure enough...It was there waiting for me! It was meant to be!

The lessons which were provided for me to learn about this were SAVING MONEY and PATIENCE. Double time PATIENCE!

Lets just say when you politely ask someone to send a package to you via FEDEX, make DAMN sure that happens, or you will wait a freaking week for the stupid Post Office to figure out where a package needs to go. But its here now and I don't care about anything else!!! I'M IN LOVE!! :)

LOOK AT HER SPARKLE!!

Ah. This must be love.

P.S. These pictures don't do justice. So if you would like to come visit me and my ring, we can OOOH and AAAH over it as long as you'd like. :)

...And I still love technology... Always and Forever.

Remember when you had to just MEMORIZE people's phone numbers? And you had them all typed up on a nice piece of paper sitting by the phone?

Remember when we didn't even HAVE cell phones?

I do. And truth be told it kinda pisses me off that my little sister got one when she was 10 - when I had to wait til I was 16. Thank god for therapy.

Now all of our vital information is stored inside that tiny, good-for-nothing, constantly breaking, piece of shit.

I find it so silly that we (and I mean me) are so reliant on our technology - specifically cell phones. Because god forbid something should happen to it, our eyes would start BLEEDING, our heads would come UNSCREWED, and we would SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!!! And you suddenly have nothing left to live for, and you start writing a suicide note to your loved ones thinking to yourself, but WHO would be cleaning out my house when I'm dead? Who would I feel most comfortable with tripping over my vibrator??

Oh never mind. I found my cell phone.

THANKS!! I FOUND IT!

THAT was close. I almost just died.

My phone may as well be attached somewhere on my body. Like another appendage.

I HATE it when I leave my right arm at home!

Internet Dating, Take Two

You'd think I would have learned some kind of lesson, right?
To those who thought the answer 'Yes' to themselves... we are fighting. You should know me better than that.

In my little brain, I think to myself... what harm could come from logging on to an LDS website to see if I can find a nice young man on there. Maybe I could use a little spirituality in my life in the form of a (GULP) returned missionary. I KNOW! I KNOW! JEEZ. Let me finish...
I am being oh-so careful in choosing my words (as careful as Amanda gets), and I don't want to get in any arguments and start throwing punches, and I certainly don't want to get into a religious discussion and offend anyone too terribly...

I have been very blessed in my life, and I am thankful for my mom and dad and brothers and sisters - But it's just not for me. Right now. The door isn't closed ALL the way. Someones pinkie got slammed - so I got that going for me. I figure - I have no problem with the values and spiritualityness that were bestowed upon me whilst being raised in 'THE CHURCH'...Why not look for a man with the same.
So I did.
And it sucked.
AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

2 days. It took 2 days for someone to judge me. JUUUDGE ME. Verbally. ON THE INTERNET. DO YOU HEAR ME!?
If I wanted to be judged and have someone point out my HUMAN SINS and shake their finger at me, I would make damn sure I was at church on a regular basis. That RIGHT THERE is what made things so enjoyable the first time around. I'm starting to think that it is protocol to try and make people feel bad about themselves.
Correct me if I'm wrong but a long, long time ago - didn't a certain someone named Jesus die for every ones sins? SINS!! SINS SINS SINS SINS!!!!! EVERYONE SINS! Judging people is a sin!

Writing in CAPS should be as well. I apologize. 'The Angry' took over for minute there.

This is about how it went:
Talking to a divorced father of 1...

Boy: Have you ever been married? Do you have kids?

Me: Never married. No kids that I am aware of. Not yet anyways - I would love to be a mom someday though.

Boy: Making them is the fun part.
(notice boy's pervert comment)

Me: That is true - Practice makes perfect.

Boy: You know about that? You've done that?

Me: Huh? What. Done what, had sex? Yes.

Boy: Shame on you!

***Mr. Rudey-pants* is now logged off***

*Names have been changed for protection.

"THAT"? You mean SEX?

Oh and P.S. I LOVE how HE initiated it. DID YOU SEE THAT?

Yes indeed, boys and girls. Shame on me.

Lesson learned. I'll never do that again.

No, not "THAT"! ...THAT...

Strange Attractions

A couple months ago there was a bit on a radio show that were asking listeners who their 'Strange Attractions' were. Some of them were pretty funny.

This not only got me thinking about who mine were, but now I am FULLY aware when I do that silent approval 'MmM... NICE' thing in my head when I see a man whom I find the least bit attractive...

Dont Hate. I cant control these things! This is why they are called STRANGE ATTRACTIONS. Who are YOUR strange attractions??


Dog the Bounty Hunter...Sunglasses ON.

I am too young to have known Mickey Rourke in his prime - But in his new movie The Wrestler, I found him to be quite handsome.

So Not a Cat fan...

I'm not. Really. But if there were the perfect pet kitty - 'Whatever.the.hell.her.name.is' would be it. Because I don't have to take care of it. I mean her.

I believe the story behind this one is that my uncle found this baby kitty in the barn, during that god awful SNOW STORM we had in APRIL.

So my animal saving family pretty much raised this cute little runt on a little baby bottle. AND SHE ISH DUSHT SHO DAMN CUUTE!

Ok so at this point we were all wondering if it was in fact a cat, or some type of butt-ugly rodent... But she came around.

I swear she looks like Puss-In-Boots from Shrek right here. MmMmMMeow!

Those clever Wal*Mart Bastards!

These were the needed items on my list. The same list that was being ruffled around in my purse for a week..

Aaannd this is what I left with...

This is exactly why I utilize Winder Dairy. They bring my groceries TO ME, so that I don't even have to walk into a store and go through that whole argument with myself, in my head about why I deserve to get myself a treat.
...'But I was a really good girl, and I didn't make fun of ANYONE this week"
'Yes I know but you don't need a bag of chocolate, a gallon of ice cream, 4 out of 5 of the new released DVDs, a purse, a curling iron, or a new outfit...
Rude.

This is Hannah.

Also sometimes referred to as: Boo-Boo Bear, Magoo, Sissy-Poo, Goober, Goob, Goobie, Skeeter, Scooter and other various names that I can work the words 'Butt' and 'Poopy' into...

I was 12 when Hannah was born, and I looked and acted mature for my age so people thought she was mine and I was MORTIFIED! But I have always kind of been the second mommy and had that tight sister bond with her.

It has recently been brought to my attention that this little Lovie-Do considers me her Hero!
SERIOUSLY? I am the most horrible, corrupt person I know!! LOL
This makes me feel so special and loved! She tells me all the time how she wants to go to beauty school and do hair just like me.
...AND THEN! We are going to open a salon called 'Hannah & Her Sisters' (also her idea!)
...And Emily can be the receptionist.
We've got HIGH goals for Emmy. Oh don't feel bad for her! We'll make sure she has Dental.

I have a date with Hannah tonight... Dinner at Chili's and something REALLY special...
Girls Maturation Program.
I.Cant.Wait. No seriously.
I am going to embarrass the shit right out of her. ;)

Easter Weekend 2009

Last weekend I went with my mom and her friend Michelle to Ventura, CA to visit my mom's twin sissy, Lori. Lets just say it has taken me all of last week to recover, mourn about not living by the ocean, and peel off some cancerous sunburned skin. When I grow up I want to live on the beach. Forever.
All 30,000 pictures I took of the ocean can be summed up with this magnificent picture of that freezing cold, glorious body of water.
B-E-A-UTIFUL!

My supermodel pose on the Ventura Pier.

I found this ring at an antique store outside Santa Barbara, and IT WILL BE MINE ONE DAY!!

This means if anyone finds $900 before I do and decides to purchase this little beauty without my permission, I WILL KILL THEM.

See, boys and girls - You too can be homeless and healthy!

(He eats fish all day. Everyday. Ick.) He was very kind and offered us some, and I was like, 'No thanks, I take my fish in a can from Costco'.

Poser.

This is my third favorite picture. I was trying to get a picture of the Ventura Mission and my dumb ass camera didn't get the shot.

Well thank heavens for that, because I LOVE the way this turned out!

Holes in a rock. I would LOVE to know how this happens.

Gorgeous surfer.

He looked a little surprised after I snapped this picture.

And I was all, 'Sorry. I'm from Utah'r, we don't make hotties like you in the desert. I needed proof you people exist. PLEASE MARRY ME'

Heart in the sand. How lovely.

Michelle - Mama - Auntie Lori

Hot.

THIS is my favorite picture. What is that man doing!?

I'm sure we have Postmen that smoke here in this great state of lame rules, the bubble we call 'Utah' - but I have never seen this sight before.

It made me laugh. GOOD FOR HIM! Way to have a nice break in the Cali sun!

I'd ash on the mail though.

NEVER Judge a Book By It's Cover.

I cant figure out how to embed this video, and mostly because I don't care to sit here any longer pretending to be computer savvy...

This is the most courageous thing I have ever seen and you must watch it immediately! And with speakers!

And if you've seen it already - watch it again and show this woman some damn respect!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk&feature=related

*Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent*
'I Dreamed A Dream' from Les Miserables

So today I got a wild hair up my ass to go to school. College. Cuz I never did.

THEY CHARGE YOU JUST TO APPLY. $35 FREAKING DOLLARS.

Just trying to navigate the website to find out about courses and tuition gave me anxiety.
I'm sitting here trying to hold my shit together, trying not to cry about not having $35 bucks to APPLY.

I changed my mind already.

Who's A Dumb Ass!?!? WHOOO!?!?

Raise your hand if you want to know just how big of a dumb ass I am!!!
It has been since FEBRUARY that I filed my taxes, and I already received my Federal Tax but I still haven't seen the State Refund.
Waiting... waiting... checking the mailbox diligently.
I even bend over and tilt my head to the side, staring inside my dark mailbox to see if maybe it got lodged into some kind of BLACK HOLE.
I even check the website every couple days and it basically says, 'your a loser and we don't know who you are or what your talking about'
Well, I am going to California this weekend and it sure would be nice to have some extra spending cash... So I just called (And waited on hold for 10 minutes) to hear:

"Miss DaRROH, I show that it was 'Direct Deposited' into your account on March 10th."

Oh...

Ok then.

Shit...

My Thoughts Exactly

Now why would I want to lose weight and get all skinny... when I have kids someday, they'll come along and ruin it and I'll just get fat again!
That just seems like a waste to me.

This Is Why I Dont Blog Anymore

I had a horrible day from start to finish.
And now I come home to my nothingness, and my microscopic barbie apartment that smells funny, and I'm tired and I'm grumpy and I'm lonely.
I'm hungry and nothing sounds good to eat.
and my eyes hurt.
and my back hurts.
and I hate stupid people.
and I hate stupid people who don't know how to drive.
and I have a huge pile of shoes on my floor which pretty much counts and 57% of my house.
and I have a huge zit on my nose RIGHT IN BETWEEN MY EYEBALLS.
and I cant find anything.
and I'm itchy.
and my only pair of khaki pants now have a big hole in the crotch.
and I'm still hungry, and I'm still grumpy, and I still hate STUPID PEOPLE!!
Its like a big freaking vicious cycle.
You'd think I was bleeding internally for the week.

I would take being a bitch because of blood loss over being a bitch for the hell of it ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
Let me tell ya, I'm a real peach to be around.

The Lost Generation

Here is some inspirational crap for ya :)

No, but seriously I found this to be super awesome and all that stuff.

Watch it all the way through and you have to have volume :)

The Simple Things in Life

...Speaking of life, there is not much going on in my world that is too exciting.

I said that when I started this blog, I don't have cute kids that say funny stuff, or pictures to post - and my life isn't all that interesting right now, but I do have a few things that I could share:

I sneezed 9 times in a row last night. It was awesome. It makes me giggle and then the residual effect kinda makes me feel drunk...yeah, easily amused.

I signed up for Winder Dairy home delivery, since I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store myself... I was so pleased to wake up this morning to have my strawberry milk on my doorstep!
(P.S. if you sign up using a referral name *AHEM* ME*... you get an automatic $30 credit!...and so do I.)

I went to Chili's twice yesterday... For lunch and dinner with friends. Totally got the same thing both times. Quesadilla Explosion Salad. Highly recommended.

I love being back doing hair. I get a little extra money, which never sees the bank - and it keeps me from going home and being a loser.

I have a new love for dive bars and karaoke. I see this turning me into a junkie.
...For the karaoke, not being a bar fly.

I re-launched my creativity of bracelet making!! I love it! One of these days I will post them so you can see!!

I have 3 more payments to make before my Mary Kay fiasco is DONE WITH and PAID OFF!! YAY!!

I have come to find that I absolutely cannot stand it when you are on the phone with someone and they are talking to, or say something to someone else. UMm.yeaah.

I think why I am boring right now is a result of the proper balance of medication and therapy. I still have my days... but I try REALLY hard not to come on here and bitch about it. However, I was told today that some people enjoy reading this thing and requested that I come out of hiding and blog some more :)
I didn't know anyone read it. I only ever get comments from like 4 people. My FAVORITE 4 people, might I add. :)

OH OHKAY. FIINE. I will blog more.
But you asked for it! I don't want to hear any complaints about the shit I come up with.
...Like how I found a gray nose hair the other day.
...Which means, yes, I was just standing in my bathroom staring at the mirror looking into my nostrils, if you must know.

Christmas in March *Updated*

Ok for reals this time.
I found some more pictures...

I Wonder What This Is About.

I always knew I had the 'regular kind' of issues - but this has my mind wandering all over the place.
Apparently I have some kind of unresolved mother/daughter separation issues...

The following are items that I have found somewhere in my house, and at some point went - HEY! I think I own a miniature that is identical to this!
Ive always loved tiny things, and do have a miniature collection as well, but I had NO IDEA about these, and totally did not even try to plan this! LOL
There is a Mama AND a Baby!! This just makes me laugh...

My Mary Kay Makeup Remover

Tins to put 'shit' in

Eye Drops?

Bubble bath?

My Perfume

My Shampoo

Clorox wipes!? Really?

Whats your take on this? Is this just silly or do you think there is a deeper meaning??

Completely Ecstatic and Long Overdue

I'm BAAaCK!

I finally broke down and went back to doing hair again!
For those who don't know - I am a licensed cosmetologist, and have been for 4 years now. My parents paid good money for me to go to school, and this wonderful talent has just been going to waste! UGH!

I did hair for a long time after I graduated and LOVED it...
It is just really hard to handle my kind of expenses on a beginner hairstylist commission. It sucked.
It takes a good 3-5 years in a consistent location to built up a clientele. Plus, having all that cash laying around made me think I should spend it, not pay bills with it... oops.

Here's how I saw it:

No $$$ + *New Credit Card* + Lots of Debt = Find New Job

...Enter giant shove into the real world...

So after missing it ever so much , and longing to come home at night all itchy, achey, tired and covered with hair, I decided to go back!
I am doing two nights a week and some Saturdays... I don't want to kill myself after having worked an 8 hour day already...

I am seriously stoked! Come get your hair did!

Hip to the Mother-effing Hooray!

Definition of Lame

I DONT GET IT.