There isn't a whole lot going on lately over here in Crazy town. Which isn't unusual for me. I get bored and blog up a storm... then get really manic and spend all my money on CRAFTS! and stay occupied for a couple weeks. Don't worry your face - it will probably die down in about, oh-say... 3-5 weeks. Actually I lied, I am so busy being NOT busy. And thinking I am busy - Or appearing to be busy. It works for me.

I realize I haven't blogged in a really long time. Mostly because I am getting spammed, and I am currently working on getting a new blog address - so when that happens, you'll be the first to know! :)

And when I get 4.5 seconds to pull my face away from my super-awesome big screen TV / Computer monitor-Netflix watching set up in my bedroom - which I now call my 'LAIR' I will get some more sparks of creativity and post some pictures of all the nifty shit I've been up to.

Yesterday's Birthday

I got a Birthday letter from the Universe. Oh yeah. I'm THAT cool.
Read on:

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Amanda,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Amanda Darrow doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.

Quite simply:

You're the kind of person, Amanda,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!

Amanda, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!

It's good to be you,
The Universe

PS - Amanda, this is going to be YOUR year!!

© TUT ®

I love getting these little inspirational emails. They totally make my day!
I'm sure about everyone has heard of 'The Secret' -- and I'm still on the fence about some things, but I do believe-even though at times it is sooo hard-that I am the only one that can make myself truly happy. And I knew all along that it is all about ME. Ok well not EVERYTHING. But in the sense that I and #1, and have to make myself a priority and make sure I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness.

I HIGHLY recommend subscribing to THIS SITE - TUT. For me, its that little boost I sometimes need to hear/read. A little reminder of my worth and power in this strange world.

My Christmas Card!

This is my Christmas card! Because I am too cheap and too lazy to go purchase stamps and send ACTUAL cards out! HA!! I figure they all would say the same thing:

Hi. I am alive. And I still live alone. No, Unfortunately I cant get you a slammin' deal on glasses anymore because I got shit-canned from the eye Dr's office and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I repeat: EVER.

No, I'm still not married and still don't have kids...I still think I'm too young. I am dating someone, but refuse to tell you any details for fear of jinxing it. Stay tuned. :)

I work at a Stone River Pharmacy Solutions (who is hiring ByTheWay), a company that collects on behalf of pharmacies for Workers Compensation claims. I verify the claim information. I like to explain to people that I am an investigator, its just easier. I really wish I could carry a firearm and a badge - but my work environment consists of a computer, a phone and my incredibly convincing persuasion and manipulation techniques. BOO YAH! I knew being a sassy-pants would come in handy! And I have a cubicle! A CUBICLE!! All to myself!! And no one touches my shit! Like I said, I love my new job.

I moved. Next door. It's really great. The train that runs behind my apartment is still annoying as all hell, and all my belongings shake and rattle - Just like in Mary Poppins. Bonus: I really love the winter time in these apartments because the dinosaur-age pipes in the walls creak, thump and rumble all night. I know your jealous. *Repeat after me - cheap rent, cheap rent, cheap rent...*

I have recently rekindled my relationship with my purple crochet hook and finally bit the bullet - finishing an afghan blanket that took me damn near 3 years. It retails for $500. Yeah, you cant have it. Along with crocheting, I have taken up sewing and 'mending' with a good old fashion needle and thread - and I am seriously hoping Santa fulfills my sewing machine wish. Colored pencils can also be seen scattered about my home.

This year I did a tiny bit of traveling, went to some concerts, spent too much money, made some friends, lost some friends, ate too much and still refused to exercise willingly. Started doing hair again, then quit again, paid off my credit card - twice (this is huge), saved up for my first big jewelry purchase, made some cupcakes, got a new smile, and became completely obsessed with a lot of television shows via Netflix. Nothing really monumental, I know.

When something HUGE happens - trust me, you'll know!!

Merry Christmas - Happy Holidays

Have a wicked-awesome 2010!!

The following clips are some of my favorite 'holiday spirited' finds.

GOD BLESS YOUTUBE!

(Skip to about 1 min/30 seconds)

My Favorite Things

This blog is for Nicki.
This is a list containing 100 of my favorite things that I LOVE, in no particular order. Well, except for being alphabetized. Because that happens to be one of the things on this list:

Raindrops on roses
Whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles
Warm woolen mittens
Oh wait. REWIND. Having another movie moment…

A good deal
A new purse
A smile from a stranger
A warm blanket
Baking
Band-aids
Being happy
Blogging
Books by Augusten Burroughs
Bubble wrap
Campfires
Candles
Ceramics and pottery making
Chardonnay
Cheap, yummy Mexican food
Cheese--All of them
Childhood memories
Christmas
Clorox wipes
Coffee
Coloring
Coupons
Crayola colored pencils & crayons
Crocheting
Dancing around naked…at home
Dexter Morgan
Disney movies
Doing hair
Dollar stores
ELF - see Will Ferrell
Fall--the smell and the colors
Fat babies
Fireworks
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Funny commercials
Gerard Butler
Getting my nails done
gLee
Good hair days
Grandma Joyce
Green traffic lights
Grey’s Anatomy
Hand Sanitizer
Having a crush
Having money in the bank
Homemade salsa
Hot pink
Hot showers
House
IKEA
Jello with fruit in the bottom
Kites
Laughing til it hurts
Lemon chicken
Listening to music
Lollipops
Lotion
Loving my job
Make-up
Making jewelry
Making people laugh
Massages and foot rubs
Milk
Musicals--Sound of Music
Nanny’s homemade jam
New learned pranks: tape on the bottom of a computer mouse.
Organizing and alphabetizing
Papa’s chili sauce (that Nanny makes)
Perfume
Pictures of clouds
Playing with my sisters’ hair
Popping a good zit
Pumpkin spice candle
Quoting movie lines with my brother
Reading blogs--DOOCE.
Salad buffet
Silver rings
Singing
Snap peas
Sneezing
Starry skies
Stories told by grandparents
Sunsets
Sunshine
Super Nintendo
Sushi
Taking pictures
Temple Christmas lights
The ‘courtesy wave’
The Little Mermaid
The ocean
Therapy
Ticonderoga #2 pencils
Tomatoes from the garden
Tupperware - Containers to put STUFF in!
Vodka tonic-two limes
Watching dance performances
Weeds
Will Ferrell movies
80s music

I have a dilemma:

I came home yesterday to see my neighbor outside with her dog. Who was shitting in the flower bed. The dog, not my neighbor.

Let me paint you a picture. I live in a 10 unit apartment at the end of a street surrounded by concrete and asphalt. There is no grass or kid-friendly play area... Much less a place for someone's dog to shit. So when the wind kicks up in that little fenced-in corner of the neighborhood, you can totally smell it. And I threw up a little.

Point of this story??

THERE IS NO PETS ALLOWED! NOT EVEN FISH. NO LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL.

How do I know? It's in the lease contract - and if there are any violations of this - it is immediate eviction. There cannot even be animals on the premises, say if you are 'dog sitting'--NOPE.
I got a talkin-to from the manager when he stopped by, and my dad just happened to be there with his dog for 5 MINUTES! No Joke.

I have always wanted a puppy. But I cant get one. BECAUSE I'M A RULE FOLLOWER. Damn those good morals and being honest! And plus I like not being evicted and having to move back in with my mom...

SO... Should I be the narc and tell the management or just blow it off and smell the SHIT coming through my air conditioner.
Yes I still have my air conditioner running, don't get me started.
What do you think?

I experienced a feeling tonight that I haven't felt in a long time.
(enter smart ass comment here-where I usually would have joked about something perverse or mentioned a bowel movement, but I am not in the mood)
I don't remember having felt like this, probably since grade school...The vibe that I am being judged.
People judge. I get it, I do. Everyone does. And no one can say otherwise. We're human.
It doesn't mean it is necessarily right. But with that, there is a pretty definite difference between that 'silent thought' to yourself, and pointing and laughing.

I'm standing there getting gas and look over and see these 4 punk ass teenagers in a car next to me. One is looking at me briefly then looks away. Then one-by-one, each of their heads turn over to glance and then laugh. Then the woman who was driving, who couldn't have been much older the teens gets in the car, gets ready to pull out and I see her head turn over to look. AND SHE LAUGHS!! AND THEN as they are pulling away all 5 of the people were staring at me and laughing. Have you ever wondered what 10 eyes staring at you feels like? Not a pleasant feeling.

I'm thinking to myself, Well-- They cant smell me from inside the car. I don't have anything on my face. There isn't toilet paper hanging out the back of my pants. I'm dressed pretty nice, as I am still in my business-casual work clothes...I thought I looked pretty damn cute today...
WHAT THE HELL!?

IS IT BECAUSE I'M FAT!? COULD THAT BE FUCKING IT?

At this point, my mind is racing and I honestly feel like chasing after the car (Yes, fat girls can run!) and yanking one of those little jerks out of the car and kicking him in the shin.

You know, and I didn't start writing this blog to make it be about my weight. Because that's always the issue. But it's not an issue. And if it was, it wouldn't be any one's issue but mine. IT'S MY ISSUE. BUT THAT ISN'T THE ISSUE.

My point, and I do have one... Is that right there--in that split second I let my guard down just a smidgen, and I became vulnerable enough to let some one's 'so-called opinion' of me matter.

Yes, I realize it wasn't a verbal opinion, and that I am assuming that what was happening was directed at me in a negative way, but it was! I know it was! And it made me really sad, OK!?

Is it just a case of simple paranoia? Could be.
The painful truth? Perhaps.
You-know-who is in town? And I'm just uber sensitive to...oh, everything? Getting warmer.
Or maybe it's because I am out of Ziploc baggies and I am damn near ready to have a full blown super-psychotic, temper-tantrum MELTDOWN!?!? And everything is a national emotional emergency, and I find myself getting teary eyed watching the final selection for the TOP 20 on So You Think You Can Dance!?
I cant make this shit up, people.
And by the way, I KNOW I Can Dance.

I think there should be a law stating for every woman, during 'girl week':

ANYTHING I SAY OR DO CANNOT BE HELD AGAINST ME.

This includes feelings, frustrations and virtually all other heightened female emotions.

I dont remember what else I was gonna say.

Please excuse me, I have to go eat an entire tub of cool whip and cry myself to sleep.

To Sensa - Or Not to Sensa

Once upon a time in the land of Whydontmyclothesfit there was a princess. Guess what her name was... Oh! You smarty-pants, you!

Princess Amanda was just sitting at home one day - because she had a little bit of an unemployment hiccup - thinking to herself, "What shall I ever do about losing some weight!? I sure wish there were some kind of easy, magnificent weight-loss diet!"

When all of a sudden out of ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE she got an email. It was from a woman who had read her blog and wanted her to try out a new weight loss product! And then blog about her experience! What a dream come true!
Little sprinkles! On your food! How hard can this be!!

And the correspondence went a little something like this:

Some lady: We’d love to send you a FREE 3-month Sensa Starter Kit to review and hope you will share your thoughts and experiences with your readers. We also will give you a unique link that will allow your readers to get a Sensa Trial Kit FREE for 60-days.

Me: Oh yeah? Cool. I really don't have to pay anything?

Some lady: Great! blah blah blah yadda blah blah I will send you your 3-month supply of Sensa -- no strings attached!

Me: That sounds awesome! So, Seriously...No cost? You just want a review from me about the product?

Some lady: Yes, there is no cost to you! We would like you to review the product and tell your readers what you think.

Me: Now when you say no cost to me... Is it seriously NO COST to me? Or... are you just saying that?

Some lady: No strings attached.

Me: So really... Nothing. You swear?

Some lady: No cost to you.

Me: To me?

Some lady: To you.

Me: A very, merry un-birthday?

Oh sorry. My bad. I got my dialogues mixed up.

It really didn't go that far - but my point is-- IT WAS FREE.
Nothing is ever free! I half expect to get a bill! I keep looking to see if there is microscopic fine print at the bottom of my emails that my healthy, young adult eyes cant see! But nope!

So they send it.
And I use it. And they are LITTLE SPRINKLES!! THAT GO ON YOUR FOOD!! ITS SO COOL!...And.... Drum roll, Ladies and Gents......

*Ahem*

It doesn't work.

Or at least it didn't work for me. But don't take MY word for it! Your sure welcome to try it!!

RISK FREE 30 DAY TRIAL***

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!

Act now and you will receive a

$25 discount card** to

www.glow.com

Glow.com is the next generation beauty e-tailer. It's where shopping, socializing and beauty addictions come together with access to over 170 brands offering the best in skincare, makeup, hair care, bath & body, fragrance and more! All you have to do is pay a shipping and handling fee of $4.95!

No kidding!?

*** Quite possibly not in fact, FREE. For you. It was for me. HA! Sucka.

** Honestly, I have no idea about this one. I think I may just check it out!

* No animals or children were harmed in the making of this nonsense.

(click on the above listed links to check out the offers)

Martha and Betty stopped by for a visit.

This has become MY favorite Fall activity...

...And I just realized that 'BOO!' cupcake looks more like 'BOD!'...

I totally did that on purpose. It's my friendly reminder to you that cupcakes are very healthy and your BOD loves them!

Got My Gums Burned Off

I've never been much of an open-mouthed smiler - at least in pictures. Maybe subconsciously this was why. And I never thought there was anything wrong with my smile or teeth until people started mentioning how 'cute and tiny' my teeth were. Thanks Mom.

There wasn't anything wrong. They chewed food and were used as simple needlework nippers just fine. So my dentist 'just shaved off some excess gum tissue'. It honestly sounds worse than it was. And I am a baby when it comes to the dentist. My mother, who works for one, has a harder time pinning me down and getting me there than one would making a 2 year old eat liver and onions. And if your child eats liver and onions, I want to meet them and shake their hand.

The worst part was getting the shots to numb me, and the numbing wearing off. Its the worst! The actual shaving off of the gums smelled like burnt toast, And then it tasted a little funny, And then my gums were tender for a couple days... But it was sooo worth it.

Behold, BEFORE:

And, AFTER:

It's funny what a couple millimeters can do to a smile.

Timeline from August to October.

I bet you missed me. If not, well... really what am I going to do about it.
Hold on to your lug nuts.

Hated my job.
Lost my job.
Lost some thought-were friends.
Bonded with Dr Oz and the View.
Searched online everyday for jobs.
Got food stamps for food.
Searched everyday online for jobs.
Became addicted to every single game provided on Facebook.
Fed my animals and harvested crops. (Farmville)
Beat gangsters up and made a lot of money. (Mafia Wars)
Opened a restraunt and theme park. (Cafe World - Roller Coaster Kingdom)
Do not recommend becoming addicted to games on Facebook.
IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.
Had no life so it didn't matter.
Applied here. Applied there.
In a box. With a fox. Something about a lox or chicken pox...
In a house. With a mouse. Green eggs. Whatever. YOU shut up!
Realized I still had a lot of free time on my hands to play more games.
Got paid unemployment to play games.
Thought about becoming a professional Yahtzee player.
Thought about going back to school. BRIEFLY.
Read a lot.
Cleaned a lot.
Baked a lot.
Watched a lot of television.
Watched a lot of DVDs.
Became addicted to the following television shows out on DVD:
Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, Weeds, Dexter, Desperate Housewives, L Word.
Ran out of Dvds to watch and started over watching the entire season of FRIENDS.
Went to more interviews than I can count.
Filled out more applications than dust particles on my monitor.
Went to a Nickelback concert. HELLS YEAH!
Did not get drunk at that concert. No seriously. Couldn't afford it.
Surprised an aunt out of state with a weekend stay.
Learned prostitution is legal in Nevada.
Wondered why I never realized that.
Learned where a whore house is located in Nevada.
Met a new friend.
Lost an old friend.
Fell in love with a new sitcom, GLEE.
Went on a family vacation to Mesquite, NV.
4-wheeled to our hearts content, until my brother broke his nose.
Never wanted to 4-wheel again.
Went on a couple dates. Definitely took leftovers home.
Picked peaches and tomatoes from grandpas garden.
Ate nothing but peaches and tomatoes for a week.
Found out the family cat was stolen.
Babysat for a friend who has THE MOST adorable baby, Mason, EVER!
Made vegetable stew.
Shared it with a creepy, old man neighbor who is super nice, but still creepy.
Became addicted to Pumpkin Pie-Cheesecake shakes from Arctic Circle.
Went to the dentist and got my gums burned off. Its a good thing.
GOT A JOB!!
Surprisingly enough, miss babysitting.
Helped a friend of my mom's fly in to surprise her for a weekend. *Requires extreme sneaky skills*
Moved.
It sucked.
Minor catastrophes only. No one died.
New grocery store opened down the street from me...Answer to my silent prayers.
No Internet for a week. Its not like I would have blogged anyway.
Getting used to driving home from WORK in rush hour.
Rushed home to log on and harvest my crops and beat up some gangsters.

Oh, hellooo! Are you asleep? ...Your drooling...

Just in Case:

GLEE - Episode 4 : Preggers



You can also watch GLEE on HULU.COM

Is Castration Too Drastic?

You know, some things irritate me more than others - but this one really struck a nerve.

The following is an article from a local news channel about how there has been 11 cats that mysteriously disappeared from a certain neighborhood in Riverton (The neighborhood where I grew up, and where the home my mom still lives in is located).

My little sister's kitty went missing a couple weeks ago. You know, that cute kitty we bottle fed to keep alive after it was abandoned in a barn. I also said before that I'm not a cat fan, which only means I don't feel the need to run out and own one.

What it DOES mean is that I think it is crazy to actually steal people's cats and send them with animal control because they happen to hop up on your fence or land in your yard.
(enter more angry words about the asshole who did this and how bad I'd like to smash their precious birdhouses with a sludge hammer)

I have some more choice words about this situation - And maybe I'm overreacting, but whatever, whats the point. Here is the article:


RIVERTON, UTAH (ABC 4 News) - Cats that are disappearing in Riverton are causing neighbors to turn against each other. But the entire problem could have been fixed if someone had taken the time to get a microchip.

Jeff Tanner says he misses his cat Rusty and has been looking for him at the Salt Lake County Animal Shelter. His family is accusing neighbor Greg Nordberg of stealing his cats.

Nordberg says he loves his neighbors, but he hates what he calls the irresponsible way they kept their cats.

He says that for over four years, the Tanner's cats were a nuisance tearing up his bird houses and terrorizing his turtles. So Nordberg says that with the blessing of Riverton Animal Control, he caught eleven cats and returned them to the shelter. That means Tanner's cat Rusty could be in another home by now.

April Harris at Salt Lake County Animal Services said, "A microchip could be your pet's ticket home."

Microchips are implanted by a syringe. There is no harm to the animal and within seconds it's up and working almost like a permanent social security number that is completely unique.

Harris says only 10% of animals have microchips in them. And the implantation would only cost $20 in case your animal ever gets lost.

Did I Mention I'm in LOVE?

Seriously. This show is therapeutic for me. I recommend it to anyone who needs a good laugh. And then some. WORTH THE TIME!! Again - Put the kids to bed and indulge!
...Or if you are in Utah - It's on FOX, Wednesday nights @ 8:00. Enjoy!
I give you:
GLEE : Episode 3 : Acafellas
(p.s. if for some reason it acts weird for you, look it up directly on hulu.com )

The Government Can

I only wish I came up with it first...



*Special thanks to my mother for holding me captive and making me watch this AWESOME YouTube find!*

Lyrics:
Who can take your money, with a twinkle in their eye?
Who can take it all away and give it to some other guy?
The government, the government can!

Who can tax the sunrise? Who can tax the trees?
Let you run a business and collect up all the fees?
The government, the government can!
And the government can because they mix it up with lies and make it all taste good.

The government takes everything we make,
to pay for all of their solutions.
Health care, Climate change, pollution...
Throw away the constitution.

Who can give a bailout, tell us to behave
and make the founding fathers roll over in their grave?
The government, the government can!
And the government can because they mix it up with lies and make it all taste good.

The government takes everything we make.
They're power hungry and malicious.
Their economics are fictitious.
Soon we'll have to eat our dishes.

Who can be a failure in so many ways?
Instead of getting fired, HEY, We'll give ourselves a raise...
The government, the government can!
And the government can because they mix it up with lies and make it all taste good.
And your Uncle Sam can because he mixes it with lies and makes it all taste good.
And it feels so good cuz the government says I should.

Patrick Swayze

I fell in love with this rock hard, slice of heaven when I watched Dirty Dancing over and over right after my parents told me not to. Multiple times. And oh was it worth it.
I am just sad I never got the opportunity to shimmy up against him.

But in all seriousness, It is always so sad to hear when someones life, who has been in the spotlight, has ended at such an early age. I cannot even fathom the pain he must have gone through! A true fight for life.

8 Years Ago Today

...And here is my little tribute to 9/11...

I cannot believe it has been 8 years already.

I am sitting here thinking how I should be packing right now. I am going down with the family to Mesquite, NV to go 4wheeling...And me, I am going to test my luck at Roulette.

Coincidentally, 8 years ago today we were down there, and I remember waking up to the smell of toast, walking into my parent's room at our condo and seeing that horrible sight on the television. Just as I was then, I am still unable to wrap my brain around the thought of having to experience something like that first hand.

Something to Think About

I have a new favorite show. I mean, its not better than F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Weeds, Nip/Tuck or Dexter... BUT ONLY because there have only been two episodes. It still has time to work its way to the top of the list by 'wowing' me even more.

GLEE!
(No seriously, put your kids to bed and do yourself a favor. Watch them! So good.)

Sign Me Up For This Job

Ah. Our tax dollars HARD AT WORK.


"Yeah, man, Juan does have a nice ass, dont he"
"Especially when he's all bent over like that, working hard while we are all just standing here"
"Hey Miguel, Get your hand out of your pants, dude"

Yeah, standing around holding a shovel sure sounds like the ideal job for me! SIGN ME UP!

Remember That One Time...

Remember when I didn't really blog all that much anymore, because I was too stressed out about everything in life, including EVERYTHING.
Well not to worry any longer my fellow readers I now have all the time in the world to write nonsense words on this silly thing that only I and like 3 other people I know think are funny.
I, Amanda, am now currently unemployed. (enter chirping crickets)
It's actually a lot better than people make it sound.
I wake up around 10...
Surf the net for an hour...
Apply for every job in the world except for something in janitorial and McDonald's...
Start cleaning something in my house before getting distracted...
Watch the View...
Eat nothing all day because I have no food...
Oh, don't worry about me. My body is eating itself. I've damn near lost 10 LBS IN 5 DAYS!!

Actually, rewind a little bit. I lied. I do have a super-duper-part-time job doing hair still.
Yeah, its really great. I made $10 dollars this week.

...I know this was going somewhere... OH YES! REMEMBERING STUFF!

Now that I have time to sit here in this shitty little apartment all by my lonesome, I think a lot.
Where did life go wrong? How did I accumulate so much SHIT in 3 years of being here? Why is the sky blue? Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
...And in this time I've thought of some pretty crazy stuff...

Remember that one time when I dated a guy who wore panties. That was really fun.
It wasn't a fetish or anything. He had a very valid argument. His junk felt so much better in Victoria's Secret's panties than in Hane's Fruit of the Loom CRAP.
Don't worry- Vickie and I will keep your secret safe. OK, Ricky Ricardo*?
(*Names have been changed for confidentiality)

Does anyone who has lived in Utah for the majority of their lives remember JOBBERS ODD LOT!? Oh. My. I just got excited saying it! My mom used to take me and my cousins and let us spend XX amount (Couldn't have been more than $2) and EVERY TIME I would come home with a sack full of rubber mice or plastic baby binkies. Don't ask. It's just a memory, OK? Don't judge me.

Remember when you could actually meet people in real places, and not just on the Internet?
How am I supposed to meet a dude without going to church? Wal-mart? The grocery store? Should I be hanging out at a mechanic shop or a hunting store? I'm so confused.

Remember when I taught a guy about how using matches in the bathroom covers up that shit smell? Yeah, your welcome for that pleasant little tip, if you didn't know about it already.
I thought everyone did. I thought it was like a 'bathroom rule'. Just like how folding the TP neatly to wipe your ass is better than using half the roll wadded up in a ball. I used to get in trouble for that...using up all the toilet paper.
I still don't fold it neatly. Oh, yeah. REBEL right here. I have a name tag I like to wear around that reads, "Hello My Name is: TOILET PAPER WASTER".

Remember when times were simpler? There were things to do that didn't cost a damn fortune? People were actually happy and content with just going on a drive, or playing at the park, or baking something when you were bored...? Now its like: WHAT DO I DO!? THERE IS NOTHING ON TV!! I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!? OH THE AGONY!
No? It's just me? OK, NEXT!

Remember when music wasn't CRAP? I swear to god I was born in the wrong decade. I'm still stuck on listening to the Bee Gees, Hall & Oates, England Dan & John Ford Coley, ABBA, and James Taylor... then I accidentally turn the radio on and hear some kind of crap about 'making love in a club', or somebody's 'magic stick'. Or is it 'disco stick'? Either way, I don't think a song about being " 'in' somebody", 'being in love with a stripper' or 'backing that ass up' is going to help any of today's youth.
My all-time favorite radio-edit is a song about a stripper trying to make money to feed her kid. It's actually a pretty good 'message' in the song... if you really want to see the lyrics you can see it HERE. They bleep out the word 'rape', but BY GOD they allowed the words 'smoking rock'. 'Rock', as in cocaine or meth. I don't really know - neither were my drug preference... but, REALLY? I guess you'd have to hear it to know the context in which it is used, but it kind of threw me for a loop. Enough for me to still be talking about it.

Remember Shrink-a-Dinks? I am having the darndest time locating some. And even if I found them it's not like I could buy them. I'm using that $10 to purchase more toilet paper.

Over and Out.

I'm a hater. HATER!

Hate [heyt] – verb, hat.ed, hat.ing, noun
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.

I was raised being psychologically slapped on the mouth every time we said the word ‘HATE’ in our house. HATE IS A STRONG WORD! WE DON’T SAY THAT!
Well I do. I love it! It’s my 53rd favorite word!

I am not in a particularly ‘hating’ mood – I just realized there are a few that are blog worthy that I felt the need to share with you:

I Hate:

Honda hatchbacks – or any hatchback vehicle for that matter
Ponchos
People who stop at yellow lights
When people ask the same question repeatedly, just in a different way
Cinnamon gum
Missing a key ingredient to a recipe you’ve already started
The smell of sauerkraut
Sauerkraut
Those really embedded zits right under your nose that make your eyes water
Family Guy
A COMPLETELY butchered karaoke song
Depression
Slow internet connection
Sandy Riesgraf - Fox 13 NEEeeeEwws Utah
Going to the store and forgetting one of the main things you went for.
Being late
Not being able to find something YOU JUST SAW
Migraines
Peanut butter and no jelly
Explaining fees to a patient who is trying to get out of paying them
Missing or mismatched socks
Static or skipping during a TV show, DVD or the radio
Chipped nail polish
Dusting
Updating people about my current status in the world:
Still employed, same apartment, still single. IM GREAT
A broken shoe
The smell of sulfur
Sweating
Those completely pointless little flashing ground fireworks and smoke bombs
KFC – the chicken, not the coleslaw or potato wedges
Canker sores
The smell of artificial lilac scents – candles, plug-ins incense etc.
Crusty boogers that get stuck ‘up there’
Talking about the weather

Boys are Stupid

This is a pretty accurate interpretation of how I feel about the male species right now...




...From the movie 'What Happens In Vegas'. Excellent movie. Total must-see.

Reasons I'm in Therapy #297

As the story goes, When I was 15 or 16 (I don't remember, I've tried to block out this memory), I was the lead in some church roadshow play. And I rocked. I was one badASS Fairy Godmother.
Opposite me was this creepy jerk face dick wad and to put it lightly, I hated his guts.
Sounds like I still do.
I thought it would be a good idea to give the director a bouquet of beautiful roses after the show. At the end of the play after everyone cheered me on, ahem, I mean the cast of course...
I ran backstage to get the flowers and walked over to the mic to bring her up on stage to thank her for her hard work, when all of a sudden A*hole-boy grabs the flowers out of my hands and MAKES A SPEECH that sounds a little like:
"I just wanted to thank you for everything, so I got you these flowers".

WTF?!? OH NO YOU DIDN'T YOU PUNKASS!!

And I'm still bitter about it. But didn't actually remember this story until last night when I get a text from my mom:

Mom: Hey who was the boy lead when you were in the roadshow?

Me: That asshole Kaleb.

Mom: LOL oh yeah, how could I forget...

Me: He ruined my life!

Mom: Your whole life?

Me: Oh yeah. That thunder stealin' bastard can rot in hell with Beelzebub.

Mom: Took all the credit...bastard!

Me: Mom I don't want to talk about it right now! ;)

Mom: Your father and I always wanted you to marry him and have wild sex.

Me: F U . Gross!

* * SUPER DEAL * *

I don't know if any of you people have the incredible urge to purchase THE MOST AMAZING flat-iron on the planet - but I saw my most superest-favorite brand at Costco in Sandy today for a whopping $60. I was so excited to see this I think I peed a little!

It is the CHI - and it is the ONLY kind I will use on my knappy, unruly, frizzy and impossible hair...hence - why I look so fabulous all the time. ITS ALL IN THE HAIR TOOLS PEOPLE.

I would have gotten one but I have two already. Yeah, it's THAT good!

Let me reiterate how slammin of a deal this is:

I cant get this good of a deal as a licensed cosmetologist, at the beauty supply.

Um...Yeah. They retail for about $120 - $180. I've even seen them for about $200.

60 Dollars. Sixty. $60. SIX ZERO. DID YOU HEAR ME?

Spend the money. They last FOREVER. Your hair will love you. I ain't shittin ya.

Sunday Afternoon Picnic...in the rain

f word

you know what, this is like the fifth time i have sat down to blog and this damn thing deletes everything i typed and all the stupid pictures i loaded.
angry you ask? NO never! I dont even care if i spell anything wrong because i am not checking it!!! and it will probably take me a while to get out of my bitter mood and blog again. so lets blame the internet. bastards!

I Have Lip Issues

While tidying up a bit around mi casa, I ran into (this many) 'Lip Shit' 's.
Mind you, this does not include how many are hiding under the seat in my vehicle, how many are in my desk at work, or pockets in pants and other places I tend to store them - nor does it include my lipstick collection.

Some may call this an obsession, a waste of money, think it's funny, or even envy me...
Some may even conclude that 'It's just because I'm a woman'.

I think that my luscious lips will never be dry or chapped while I'm in charge!!
...Unless I lose these in a terrible fire or natural disaster, which is doubtful.

Waiting Room Etiquette

Is your kid seriously THROWING toys across the waiting room while your just sitting there?
And just dumped a cup of water in the middle of the floor.
And touched every single cookie on the plate after wiping his snotty nose with his hand.
And mixed up a concoction of creamer, sugar and water then leave it there for me to clean up.

Did you seriously just grab a HANDFUL of mints out of the candy dish?
And then you seriously did it again on the way out.

So, when you walk in and just sit down without checking in with the front desk, I don't think you really have grounds to be mad at ME for YOU sitting there 'forever' without saying anything as to WHY YOU ARE HERE. Seriously?

Did you seriously just ask for a cookie?
'Where's the cookies? You used to have cookies' YOUR 50! Go buy a cookie!

Did you seriously just clean out your purse and leave all of your garbage on the table beside you?

Your seriously asking if we can 'turn the TV to something less boring - like The View?'

Note to Self: Shave Balls

I just LOVE it when I run into this kind of stuff.
Thank GOD for Gillette because without this kind of genius advertising, I might never know how to properly shave my junk. If I had junk, I mean.
They're so sexist though, What if I needed tips on how to properly shave MY lady parts.
It's just not fair. Dudes get all the fun stuff.

RE: Popcorn

It has now been brought to my attention that the previous post about 'Popcorn and Cell Phones' is fake.

I have two comments...

(1) I don't have a strong enough word for (HATE), when I say that I HATE IT when people burst my bubble or prove me wrong. It's right up there with people not using a blinker right before slamming on their brakes, and someone talking to someone else in the background while I'm on the phone with them.

(2) This Internet thing may have been around a while - but I haven't exactly spent a mass amount of time sorting through stupid emails all day and then trying to figure out if they are in fact real or not.

With that being said, I don't really care if its real or not. I'd rather continue thinking that cell phone usage will one day fry my brain.

Stupid Snopes.

.:.:.pOpCoRn.:.:.

All I have to say is: HOLY SHIT.



Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere - News videos hot off the press.

Bittersweet and Busy Day!

Today is my 2-year anniversary at work, and its pretty cool to think that they put up with me for that long! Its been a great company to work for!

It has also been two years since we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my Gramma Joyce.
I cant help but getting choked up thinking about her, and I rejoice in the thought that she is in a much better place. But I terribly miss her.

My cousin, Nicki, recently had a darling baby girl, and she made a comment about how lucky little Zoey was that she got to bunk with Gramma before she came to this earth.

I just hope Gramma is up there preparing my pseudo-children for me! I'd like to think she is singing them the same lullaby songs as she did with me, telling them stories, preparing them to be strong spirits and teaching them how to play Cribbage - because I never had the patience for it.

ALSO, today is my brother Cameron's High School Graduation!! I am so proud of him! Although he has been out of school since January, and working hard full-time - almost making more money that I do... I'm glad he got to graduate early like I did! I LOVE YOU BRUDDER!

Rainy Day Activity

My ex: used to wear panties.
I am listening to: the rain wash my car.
Maybe I should: shower?
I love: spoons.
My best friend is: packing. I offered not to help, because I wouldnt be of any.
I don't understand: some people's inability to share the road.
I have no respect for: people who dont have any.
I hate: the person I am when I am irritable and angry.
The meaning of my screen name is: my name, backwards.
Love is: undecided.
Somewhere, someone is: winning the lottery.
I will always: have a loud voice.
Forever seems like: a ridiculously long time.
I never want to lose: a game of solitaire.
My mobile phone is: a necessary evil.
When I wake up in the morning: I want to go back to bed.
I get annoyed at: stupidity and loud noises.
Parties are: not cool unless I'm there.
My pets are: dead.
Cuddling is: my favorite.
Today I: cut my hair.
I really wish I could: fly.
I'm afraid of: people with bad teeth.
I think: too much.

thanks aje.

Patience Is No Virtue - It's a PAIN IN THE ASS.

If you remember back to my post from my Easter Vacation in Ventura, specifically the part where I vowed that I could kill anyone who tried to purchase a certain ring...
Well good news, I didn't have to kill anyone AND I GOT MY RING!!!!
Talk about a Double Whammy!

As the story goes, I found this ring at an antique shop in Summerland California, on the way to Santa Barbara. I saw it and immediately knew it was mine and that I had to do everything in my power to get it. When I put it on, I instantly felt like I was in another world or time dimension. I found myself staring at this ring for what felt like hours, completely unable to remove my eyes from it. Everything went quiet and I was completely mesmerized. It was breathtaking!
I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave the store to wipe the tears from my eyes and catch my breath. (Now that I think about it, what I should have done was clench my fist and run like hell.) ha ha.

The price tag was etched into my head for a month:
14k White Gold Blue Topaz $900

While in the store, the clerk could obviously see the attachment I had to the ring and said that she would contact the dealer to see if she would go any lower on the price...

$725!?! THAT'S FANTASTIC!! ...However, not only did I have the inability to rustle up $900 - I still didn't have $725... not even an available balance on a credit card.

For the next month I thought of nothing else but this ring.
I saved all my monies and just knew that it would still be there waiting for me.

The EXACT amount that I saved and a month later I called the shop to describe the ring to the woman on the phone and sure enough...It was there waiting for me! It was meant to be!

The lessons which were provided for me to learn about this were SAVING MONEY and PATIENCE. Double time PATIENCE!

Lets just say when you politely ask someone to send a package to you via FEDEX, make DAMN sure that happens, or you will wait a freaking week for the stupid Post Office to figure out where a package needs to go. But its here now and I don't care about anything else!!! I'M IN LOVE!! :)

LOOK AT HER SPARKLE!!

Ah. This must be love.

P.S. These pictures don't do justice. So if you would like to come visit me and my ring, we can OOOH and AAAH over it as long as you'd like. :)

...And I still love technology... Always and Forever.

Remember when you had to just MEMORIZE people's phone numbers? And you had them all typed up on a nice piece of paper sitting by the phone?

Remember when we didn't even HAVE cell phones?

I do. And truth be told it kinda pisses me off that my little sister got one when she was 10 - when I had to wait til I was 16. Thank god for therapy.

Now all of our vital information is stored inside that tiny, good-for-nothing, constantly breaking, piece of shit.

I find it so silly that we (and I mean me) are so reliant on our technology - specifically cell phones. Because god forbid something should happen to it, our eyes would start BLEEDING, our heads would come UNSCREWED, and we would SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!!! And you suddenly have nothing left to live for, and you start writing a suicide note to your loved ones thinking to yourself, but WHO would be cleaning out my house when I'm dead? Who would I feel most comfortable with tripping over my vibrator??

Oh never mind. I found my cell phone.

THANKS!! I FOUND IT!

THAT was close. I almost just died.

My phone may as well be attached somewhere on my body. Like another appendage.

I HATE it when I leave my right arm at home!