Not Title Worthy

Dear Kind and Gracious Lord:
In my time of need, (And might I add if you love me at all and want me to get married and reproduce anytime soon...) PLEASE let the bald, fat man wearing 20 yr old sneakers and dollar store sunglasses, wandering around aimlessly not be my date!
Because, correct me if I'm wrong... I dont think THIS:Looks ANYTHING LIKE this:

WHAT THE F! I am so done with meeting men on the internet. And I understand that I totally bring it upon myself, but COME ON.

If infact this picture is of that horribly nasty and creepy man I just had to tolerate eating a meal with - he could have at least told me the picture was taken years and years ago. And oh yeah... AND HIS HAIR WAS NOW MISSING.

(tons and tons of swear words inserted here)

I need a Mop.

I have this tiny obsession of learning how to whistle, and to tell you the truth - I'm damn near finished trying.

Not the 'whistling a cheerful tune' type... the eardrum bursting kind that my dad would use while standing on the front porch (that you could hear at any proximity to our house) that meant "Get your ass home NOOOOWWW".

I am so frustrated and have gotten nowhere.
Now... I am out of breath, still cannot effing whistle, and have spit dripping down my face. YOUR WELCOME for the mental picture.

Stickerlish and Luck Charmies

My family has our certain 'inside jokes' and things we say, that sound totally off the wall - but REALLY do mean something - Most of these words come from how my siblings have said certain things when they were little... My sister Hannah was probably the funniest, that I can remember... The point I'm trying to make here, is that I catch myself saying them to people and then I love getting that 'What the hell did you just say' expression... These are some words I often catch myself using:

Heg-ake - Shurddles - Stickerlish

Nummy-Nums - Soup-Loops - Luck Charmies

Are you SERIOUS!?

Dear Jesus -
Please bless me with the control in fighting this urge of slamming into the back of that ugly brown piece of shit that is going 25 in a 50 for NO GOD FORSAKEN REASON!
GO GO GO!!!!!
...and please forgive me for honking my horn seven, alright... nine too many times.

HO-LY CRAP

I wish I could bend in half!
I am simply facinated by these disgustingly fit acrobats, who could possibly lick their own knee caps...

glumbert - Sports Acrobatics: The 5 Disciplines

I just FOUND him, I swear.

Look everybody... I was just walking along, minding my business and I FOUND this baby, and he was all,

"Please take me home and feed me lots of sugar til I puke out my guts, but please dont put me on my belly cuz I HATE that..." and I was like "Ok!"

So now I have a baby. His name is Sam. Samuel Gary. And I love this little midget friend of mine. I want to bite his cheeks.

Just kidding. This is my good friend Amy's baby. But it doesnt change the fact that I want to just gobble him right up! :)

Are You SURE???

I hate that question. Seriously. Here is an example:
My sister Emily (the clone) calls me and this is about how the conversation went...
(in a squeaky, overly excited for no apparent reason, teenager voice)

"Are you at the mall?"

"No"

"WERE you at the mall?"

"No"

"Are you sure???"

(SIGH.... followed by a loooong pause)

"Let me check..."

-CLiCK-

Happy Birthday, Ya Old Goat

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Nothin but Love.

I just thought I'd express my love to my parents briefly.
Let them both know how amazing they both are.
I really appreciate you not beating the shit out of me and telling me how stupid my toys were.
Even though (I know you know, that I know) you REALLY wanted to. Thanks for holding back.
I especially think its cool that you uplifted me and encouraged me to be the best - and didnt tell me what a little effing asshole I was.
Where is this coming from, you might be asking yourself...
I have been sitting here listening to my neighbor verbally, mentally, and no doubt physically beat his cute kids.
I know that kids are shits. I was one. I kind of still am... and I hate to bag on the parental skills but DUDE!
Everyone loses their cool every now and again, but this is everyday.
This creep makes me want to vomit. I am so livid and angry with him I want to pound on the walls and yell at him lol.
... On a lighter note.... I called the cops :D He is in so much trouble.

You Little Cus Mouth!

I have this terrible habit of having a potty mouth. Not really because I choose not to be a 'lady' or the fact that it just sounds trashy- but for the sheer comedy of how and when a cus word is used.
If used correctly, I pretty much get a real kick out of myself.
Thats right. I amuse myself, and thats all that matters.

So these are officially my favorite commercials that encourages swear word substitution!
I have had one stuck in my head all day.

How to Care For A Baby

If you do not piss your pants while viewing these illustrations on "How To Care For A Baby" ... I will give you a dollar.
I am still wiping the tears off my cheeks from laughing so hard.

CLICK HERE

I have a no-shit policy

Drama. Drama. Drama.
Cant do it. Never have, Never will.
I have enough self inflicted anxiety, as well as some donated from the gene-pool-o-(mom's side of the family).
There comes a time in a young woman's life (blah blah blah) when you realize sometimes you just gotta grow up and be an adult.
I am there. It has literally slapped me in the face. HARD.
Growing up also comes with the cold, painful realization that some friendships DO die, and you grow apart.
When I say You, of course I mean ME.
It is sad. I shed a few tears today.
Aunt flow must be coming. I hate her.

I was re-named

If you've known me for longer than a year - you probably know that I have never had the nickname of 'Mandy'... I've never minded it, just was never called it... When I started my job at Invision, there was an Amy, Alex, Ashley, Allison... and then came Amanda.
So they asked if they could call me Mandy, and it has kinda stuck. lol
So now I am completely confused as to what my name really is.
I have even starting introducing myself to people as Mandy.
This is ever weirder when the people I am recently around the most, really do know me as Mandy.
Anyways- the reason I chose to blab about this for my first blog is because all the other cool blog addresses were taken. So amandaormandy.blogspot.com it is.
Over and out.

Contact Info

splendidimperfection@gmail.com