I. Hate. Bra. Shopping.

This is so stupid. I finally find a bra that I like and they take it away and try to 'improve it'.

Women of the World! UNITE! No More Bras!!!

Ok so maybe I wont go that far - but I am really upset with Wal-mart right now for no longer carrying my favorite bra.

When the lights go out...

Let me just start out by saying, OH MY HELL.
The power was out this morning from 7 am til about 30 seconds ago and you bet your ass I jumped online as soon as it came back on to write about how god-awful it was.
There was nothing to do. I was completely beside myself! I could shower - but then I couldn't do my hair and it would just turn into a big poof ball and further piss me off... I couldn't look in my fridge for something to eat, for fear of losing all the groceries I just got yesterday... It was dark. It was hot. And I was so bored. And I couldn't even blog about how pissed off I was!
Seriously! What was I to do!? Write a letter!? Read a book!? NONSENSE!
I WANT MY POWER BACK!
Which brings me to my next point of... If I was a pioneer, I would have been the girl they killed because she was whining too much.
I simply cannot live without the following fabulous things:
My cell phone
My air conditioner
My computer
The power that runs to keep my cell phone charged, my air conditioner and lights on, curling iron hot, and my beer cold. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
Not to mention the greatest inventions... paper towels and toilet paper. AMEN.
So there I am- bored out of my mind, surrounded by unwanted Mary Kay products, in the dark... sweating. Pretty picture, huh.

Thats just rude.

This just isn't even funny anymore. Who do I gotta punch in the face to get this changed! I'm gonna write a letter! Do you know who I am!? This sucks.
That's like...3/4ths of a phone bill... its like... a half a cart of groceries... like a pair of pants and three shirts at Ross! But NO. Just a weeks worth of gas.
Apparently I need to be letting amateurs poke foot-long needles in my arms and damage more veins to make money donating plasma.

S'more thoughts...

Why in the hell can you not find a shipping/moving/proper packaging store open at NIGHT! Oh my gosh. What if I needed to move in the middle of the night and I had no bubble paper to wrap my knick-knacks in!? Is getting this Mary Kay out of my hall closet not an emergency to ANYONE ELSE!! This is like life and death people! Time is a-wastin'! I am so serious.

I wish I could live in TVLand. I so badly want to be sitting on that ugly orange couch drinking a latte with Chandler Bing, Phoebe Buffay and Rachel Green. If you dont know who I am talking about - we are so fighting.
I have this tiny obsession with FRIENDS. I have recently purchased seasons 1-5 and often find myself neglecting all the important 'normal human being things' I should be doing... oh you know, like cleaning my house, catching up on current events or getting out of the habit of coming home from work and spending the rest of the evening in my pajamas curled up in my bed fantasizing about laughing at these jokes and punchlines IN New York City AT the Central Perk Coffee House. Its sick. Its really sick.

I really hate when you wear some kind of clothing article that you dont remember that you hate until you wear it... of if your like me... your drawers start to fall down when your walking into the door at work and remember "Oh yeah, these are the pants that need a DAMN BELT!"

Oh and P.S. If anyone wants to finish this half-done afghan blanket that has been sitting here in my living room for two years I will sooo pay you. Its really bothering me but I dont have time, I'm too busy watching FRIENDS.

I am such a sucker.

OK I'm gonna say it... I may have some impulsive purchasing tendencies. These good ideas usually come back to bite me in the ass.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE - GET THIS MARY KAY OUT OF MY HALL CLOSET!

This was the worst idea in the history of impulse.

I really cant even tell you how it happened...

OK I lied. I can tell you exactly how it happened...

Those mean bitches tempt you with purses. PURSES I SAY!!

And stuff!! STUFF!!! Things to play with!

Do you know who I am? Do you know that I have a different purse, like, every month... THAT IS BAD.

And then apparently I woke up one day and was like "I think I want to sell Mary Kay Cosmetics, it'll be great."

PSH! Great my ass. They purposely target women with full-time jobs and zero motivation for after hours activities.

So...What did Amanda learn from this?

Dont let mean makeup ladies talk you into spending $3,000 dollars on product that just takes up space in the beloved hall closet.

But for reals... its great stuff and I am selling it ALL!!

I WILL GIVE YOU 40% OFF TO GET THIS STUFF OUTTA HERE!

I DONT CARE IF YOU LIVE IN EGYPT I WILL SHIP YOU SOME MOISTURIZER AND FACE WASH! HEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!

OH that feels good!

I just LOVE sneezing! I just sneezed like 17 times in a row. And then I started laughing, which made me sneeze more...
It is the biggest release of relief!

That is all.

Over and out.

In all seriousness...

I have writers block.
I dont know what to write about. I dont feel like being funny or creative. I feel like sitting home watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s re-runs and drinking cheap boxed wine (which I have totally been doing).
I have so much on my mind ... again.
And while I am a woman of many words, I have none. I am sitting here at work on 'Slower than Shit Thursday' stoping to think about what to write about - peeling the sunburned skin off of my two-toned tits in between brainstorm sessions.
So that is that. I am writing about nothing. Just thoughts.
I hate being a girl just because of that fun-filled crazy-bitch week where I really should just isolate myself and not talk to anyone so I dont piss anyone off. On purpose.
I hate apple flavored jolly ranchers. I never remember that I dont like them until I eat one. They make me cough. I think they should do away with them and bring back the lemon ones.
I cannot sleep and I dont know why. Which really sucks cuz then I am tired all the time at work.
When I am able to sleep I keep having dreams about my gramma. In all of these dreams I am the only one that can see her at like a family event and I go up to her and hug her and she just holds me tight. I tell her that I miss her and she says "I know. It's ok" .
Which brings me to my next concern - If I could meet the genie from Aladdin I would tell him my first wish would be to bring that woman back to life. I am so not done with her.
My second wish would be to pay off all my debts. I dont want a lot of money. Just enough to pay everything off... like 14,000.
My third wish would be to restore trust in people. It makes me sad that the world is such a shitty place that nobody can trust anyone anymore based on 'their word'.

I am craving a peanut butter and jelly and potato chip sandwich like way super bad.
I need another vacation really soon.
And... theres this guy....
... to be continued. :)

Thoughts From My Vacation...

I just have to say how good it is to be home in my own little house, in my own little scary city with the smog and the green, yet snow capped mountains with all the pretty colors and horrible drivers.
I can definitely check NEVADA off my list of places I will never live. For one, the heat alone will KILL YOU. Secondly, I have never been a fan of the earth tone colors and everyone seems to think that since they live in the desert they need to decorate everything that way - you know- the Indian, kokapeli, coyote and cactus CRAP. yuck.
But here are some highlights and thoughts from my vacation:
I don't care who you are - when your going through Iron County- it will never get old to text someone "I'm in the FILLMORE BEAVER area!"
BA HA HA HA

My sister Emily is my identical twin - born seven years later. THAT IS SO SCARY. She talks like me, looks like me, acts like me... My mom is in sooo much trouble! Me and Emily drove down to Las Vegas Thursday to spend the day.

Vegas is so slutty. I was shocked and appalled and how many nasty old men were passing out naked lady trading cards. I almost collected an even 100!

I don't even have enough money to buy a half of ONE shoe at some of these damn stores. So we just looked. That's the worst kind of shopping.

Q: What is red and white and hurts like HELL??

A: My poor chest and shoulders.

I tell you - I will NEVER learn to properly apply, well.... any sunscreen at all. But I needed a tan, damn it! It just happened to come with some free epidermal cancer.

I just love hanging out with my mama! This night was SOOO crazy! We went to two different casinos, including their gift shops, had one drink each, lost like forty dollars to the nickel slots and wrapped up the evening with a warm apple pie from McDonalds. OOOhhhhhh bReAkiN tHe LaW!!

And the best part about my trip:

Stopping in Scipio, Ut to go potty - and being serenaded by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Onward Christian Soldiers" over the PA.

Seriously? Only in Utah.

I cant even go poop in peace? F-word!

MMM MMMM gOOd

I just wanted to take this time to thank my good friend Amy for getting me hooked on my new favorite snack... thats right my friend... PB&J sandwich with potato chips! I have had like seven of them over the weekend.
But its ok! I totally justified it buy buying reduced fat peanut butter, and sugar free jam. I was going to take a picture but... I forgot... and then in no time at all - it was GONE. I am eating it as I type. Now I need to wet-wipe the jam off my keyboard.

Gag Me.

I want to see one where the oldest daughter is pregnant, the next oldest son is behind bars, and the next daughter is smokin a doobie. NOW THATS PRACTICAL!

FIELD TRIP!

Just an innocent day trip with my mama to Evanston to pick up some necessities: Beer, Toys and Illegal fireworks...Oh the choices! It's like rubber dick paradise!
I think the funnest part about this trip was going into Evanston's Wal-mart and I so wish I would have thought to take my camera out a time or two. Between my mom working for a dentist, and me working for an eye dr... we wanted to start passing out business cards.... yeah - that scary. I think I actually started clicking my heels together repeating 'Theres no place like home".

I have the best time with my mom 'every other weekend' we just giggle like teenage girls when we are together and always have so much fun laughing until it hurts. (I mean SISTER! SHE'S MY SISTER! NOT MY MOM!)

Its Just Not Fair.

I cant believe it has been 1 year already since my Grandma Joyce has passed.

I feel totally ripped off that my kids will never get to meet my Grandma Joyce! But of course a little tear does come to my eye to think that she's up there in heaven getting them ready for me.

I am so sad that she wont be trying to plan my wedding for me, or snapping at me to get out of the olives at family dinners.

I really miss her "Oh my GAUL" comment followed by the ginormous grin on her face when your telling her a story and you have her undivided attention.

I will miss her purposely pushing on my bruises while asking what happened... Oh Gramma!

And her hair! Oh MY GAUL! HER HAIR. She was my favorite client. "It's just hair" she would say...

I remember when I was in beauty school she let me color her hair and I totally turned it blue - and I swear I was going to DIE! JUST DIE! And she didnt even blink. She said - Well, all we can do is fix it. Thats what grandmas are for. To practice.

I really miss 'our time' when I would go over to her house for a cut and color.

I love that woman so much and miss her so.

But what really went on...

There were moments of complete seriousness and learning at this work conference. So I thoroughly enjoyed myself - learned a lot - and came home with an education of progressive bifocal lenses, like 12 new pharmaceutical pens, 3 light-up rubber duckies.

This is called 'Bucket-Head'

... And this is what happens when you start drinking at 11:00 in the morning...
And it was great because I was virtually symptom-less and completely forgot I even had strept until I realized I needed a refill.
... and the work conference was fun too.

RESIST THE URGE!!!

I have GOT to get me some of those BANGS!!!!!

I suddenly had the urge to take out my shears and get me a pair of 80s bangs!
I cannot even tell you how many times my phone was begging me to come out of my pocket to take pictures of some of THE LAMEST haircuts Ive seen in my life, this weekend. oh. my. lord.

Being a hairstylist is a curse some times - I know my hair is not always in the best shape, but BY GOD I dont have a mullet, a dorothy hamil, or these bad boys!