... And this one time... I didnt care who was going to be elected President...

Honest to God, I don't give a shit. Not even half of a shit.

It's like this: "Obama? Now where have I heard that name before...?"

My fellow citizens... Is it so wrong that I don't even care to vote for the next dude to fuck with our country, and deplete our oil reserves? NOPE.

Couldn't care less. In fact - when this all goes straight to hell (like the last time) ... (and the time before that) I don't want to be like "YEEEAAAHHH!!! I took time off work to VOTE for that ASS CLOWN! GO ME!"

I am fully aware that this election will go down in history, you know, with the woman, and the colored folks, and them dang Mormons. Oh times! They are a-changin'!

I'm not a completely cold-blooded bitch. I did register to vote...

Does anyone know who is running on behalf of the "Libertarians or Green Party? Can someone check into that for me?

It Must Be Love.

Can I get a Hallelujah!? Oy! Oy! Oy!

And This Is How Pathetic It Gets.

Not because I crave them, or even because I like them, its because they were sitting on the seat next to me literally screaming my name - because swallowing my own saliva was as close as I was going to get to quenching my thirst.

I don't even know why I have them.

Oh wait, yes I DO!
I won them at an arcade! Because it was the coolest thing that I could get with 548 tickets!
However, I was debating whether or not I should get 50 mini rainbow Slinky's.
Gumballs were the absolute cherry on top to a certain blind date. (not even worth blogging about) And I was going to give them away, but I don't know anyone who would take me seriously when I say,
"Will you take this one pound milk carton full of gumballs home and feed it to your children - Lots of cavities guaranteed!"

So there I am driving down the street with no particular place to go, chewing up gum balls and spitting them out the window (just before it starts to lose the flavor and your jaw starts to hurt really bad)

I'm partial to pink, because somewhere in my mind I'm set on thinking it tastes minty - like wintergreen - BUT IT DOES NOT.

So I spit it out the window, followed by tossing the blue ones out (because they are yucky and make your tongue blue).

I pull up to a stoplight and think to myself how loserish this must look.

...I CONCUR...

AAANND... this is what happens when the window isnt down far enough.

ITS-a MARiO!!

Hello my people.

It has been such a long time since I have rambled on about nonsense that nobody really cares about... And Oh how I've missed telling you lame stories! (This one is dedicated to my biggest fan, Amy)

To be quite frank I have been a complete mess for the last couple weeks. Now, when I say mess, its like this... MEEEeHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSsss.

You feel me?

Glad we got that out of the way.

Last night was the first night I have had a full night of shut eye in like three effing days. No shit. I have been a complete emotional mental retard, to put it lightly.

So I twisted my own arm and called my doctor to get on sleeping pills.

OH. THANK. HEAVEN. Now I can have my vodka night-cap with a sleeping pill and Prozac chaser!

Big shout out to my little brother, Cameron who was the only one who would tell me how I got this ginormous bruise on my leg.

...Apparently, even when I am belligerently drunk (and very happy and outgoing might I add) I still feel the need to learn how to fly. This also occurs frequently in my dreams... when I can achieve at least enough runway space and time to dream it up.

I guess I was trying to get a running start and jump over a big railing (a jump no drunk and fat girl could EVER successfully complete...) and tripped and fell.

Now that I know all I did was a drunken face plant, it really sucks that I cant make up any stories about Sumo Wrestlers or Samurai Ninjas.

.

"Vodka makes me think I can fly"

.

I thought I had a good picture I could post, but they dont do justice to how cool it used to look...So that sucks for you.

.

Oh my heavens, what else can I tell you...??

I love Self-Adhesive envelopes. LOVE THEM.

I hate people dressed in animal and/or mascot costumes. Scares the shit out of me.

I love that the cost of fuel is going down.

I hate chain emails and texts...

Honestly? I hope I grow a beard and have my tounge turn purple and bathe naked in the moonlight until a man named Winthrop sends me a letter about my taxes and my first born child will be jinxed on her 16th birthday, and turned into a llama if I dont send a bullshit message to 31 people in 46 seconds!!! WHATEVER WILL I DO!?

.

...And I love my mom and dad and my brothers and sisters and my teachers and coworkers and friends and pets,

INTHENAMEOFJESUSCHRISTAMEN

Dear Concert Crowd,

I feel a tiny bit bad for my actions on Monday night at the Jack Johnson Concert. I almost have the urge to apologize, But I'm not going to.

My behavior was a direct result, yet again, from consumption of alcohol, and it was so very tasty. And might I add - the volume of my voice was only because that noisy music was so loud I couldnt hear myself think, above my retched, annoying, drunk singing voice... and everyone elses.

Besides, I'm gonna have to say that I was way more entertaining then ol' Jack. He just sat there on his chair... ok so he makes good music, so what!

I would however like to apologize for polishing off that bottle of vodka, that was in a green sock (was it?) - that IS what threw me over the edge...

And to all the new strangers I met... well, shit, I dont remember...

If anyone knows how I fell and got this really gnarly bruise on my leg, I would really like to know.

Thanks for the ticket, Dad.

I owe you a beer, Kyra

@

I am not even shittin you!

The following is a label I simply chose not to read, before I laid in bed and stuffed my face with sugar free candy.
Never. Ever. Again.
I'm a lost cause, but you can save yourselves, people!
These delicious treats are delivered straight from the devil himself!
_______________________________________
Nutrition Facts for Sugar-Free International Coffee Flavor
(Naturally & Artificially Flavored)
SweetN Low® is Americas #1 Sugar Free Candy Brand.

ISOMALT®Isomalt and Sucralose are sugar free sweeteners made from a natural source-sugar. Isomalt and Sucralose give Sweet N Low Candy a naturally great taste-but with less than 1/2 the calories.
(blah blah blah)
Nutrition FactsServing Size 5 pieces (15g)
Servings Per Container about 5
Amount Per ServingCalories 30

Total Fat 0g
Sodium 20mg
Total Carbohydrate 14g
Sugars 0g
Isomalt 14g
Protein 0g
(yadda yadda yadda)
Not a significant source of Calories from Fat, Saturated Fat, Cholesterol, Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium and Iron.

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your Daily Values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

Excess consumption may have a mild laxative effect.

WHAT THE HELL! Why in gods name would you even make a food that makes people have to stay home all day because they cant be more than three feet away from the toilet!? Who would do such a cruel thing!?

New Hobby!

Funky-ass BANGS!

Oh honey! You poor unfortunate soul! What my shears could do for you...

My Daddy

I have the greatest dad in the entire world. It's true! I have so many fond memories of spending time with my dad and most recently our lunch dates.
I dont know how much longer I can play the daddy card and call him up when I'm hungry or need groceries. (spoiled I know)
As far back as I can remember, my dad and I have fun whatever we are doing...
* Singing duets in the car - with a screwdriver or pen for a microphone.
* Listening to comedy routines and laughing our butts off.
* Reciting lines from those routines and re-living the laughing off of the butts.
* Going to work with him when I was little and walking to King Soopers for lunch.
* Being tickled until I damn near pee my pants.
* Feeding the geese at City Park.
* Daddy-Daughter Campouts
* French toast breakfasts in the morning (I really miss this one)
* Eating caramel apples and/or candy popcorn in Estes Park, waiting for my mom outside the christmas ornament store. SIGH!
... just to name a few...

Thou Shall Not Judge The Poor

Car Payment.......240
Rent......................485
Phone....................75
Car Insurance.....160
Groceries.............100
Loan Payment.......90
Gas........................150
Other crap............100
You know... After taxes and paying bills that only leaves me with like $50 for play money. That sucks! I mean I'm not calling out for symapthy (although donations are always appreciated) nor am I ungreatful for what I have... But I make this work. And I think I'm doing a mighty fine job at it.
It is hard to be an adult on your own... let me just tell you!
I am pretty proud to say that I can do it on my own (with a little help every now and again).
But sometimes it would be nice to have a little extra help.
Thats why I sell weed. (LOL that is seriously the first thing that popped into my head - like a commercial)
So I'm thinking, that would be really cool if the state would help out the young, single adults that work hard trying to make ends meet, and tell the nasty tube-top wearing hoes to get on birth control for one... if babies daddies arent payin... QUIT TRYING TO CATCH ONE THAT WILL.
Honest to god, I was in the store the other day and the lady in from of me bought $400 worth of groceries with her Horizons Food Stamp Program card. What the hell!? Where do I sign up for one of those!
I have to WORK for my money.
What pisses me off even more than people mooching off the system, is lazy people mooching off the system.
This woman was dressed VERY nice with her Kate Spade purse and her freshly done acrylic nails and pedicure, as well as hair coloring.
Her kids looked like complete rag-muffins. I mean I'm talking fresh out of the sand box, black feet and hands, no shoes.
Oh. So, If I have a bunch of kids and make them dress like orphans THEN will you give me some money??
That is ridiculous!
OH! OH! *UPDATE* I knew I forgot SOMETHING... then they got in their BRAND NEW LEXUS!!!! Doesnt that just wrap up the package perfectly!

I Dont Get It. Really.

What is with this vampire book series!? For reals! What is it called? TWILIGHT?
Everyone at work, actually everyone in the entire world carries it around with them EVERYWHERE-and just rant and rave about it.
I cant get through the first couple chapters.
I think it is because I correlate reading with being forced to, and then being quizzed on what I read, as well as having to do a 30 page book report, AND a 2 minute oral report in front of the class. Thats just WAAAY too much work for me.
I honestly hate reading. I just get A.D.D. and have to stop because I am so bored. Which totally confuses me because my parents have told me numerous times that when I was little I would hide behind the couch and read.
I beg to differ. I think I was hiding to keep them from trying to make me read, so I could just look at the pretty pictures. THATS how I roll. I'm a PICTURE person. With A.D.D.
And I'm O.K. with that! At least I'm not in denial.

Thats just FANTASTIC.

Is this a sign from God that my weekend is going to be shitty? Because I dont find this funny at all. AND I'll be damned if I wash my car EVER EVER AGAIN. It just rains. What a waste of money. I'm just going to collect bird shit on my car. Because I can. Its cool. And I'm cool, damn it!